Shit My Kid Says
by NotWriteInTheHead
Summary: Being a parent was...different. Easier and harder than Paige could ever imagine. The unconditional love she felt for them. Love that was both the same and completely not the way she loved Emily. It was an "I can't wait to see how cute you are' to an immediate 'I love you so much and I would do anything for you' love at first sight kind of thing. (Paily & Kids one shots)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Pretty Little Liars. Yada, yada.

**A/N:** The f word is said a few times. Just a warning.

**Sh*t My Kid Says**

* * *

Being a parent was...different. Easier and harder than Paige could ever imagine. The unconditional love she felt for them. Love that was both the same and completely not the way she loved Emily. It was an 'I can't wait to see how cute you are' to an immediate 'I love you so much and I would do anything for you' love at first sight kind of thing. And she was just as surprised the second time around, how instant and all consuming it was.

It was beautiful and scary and amazing and shocking and fun and crazy and too much and not enough, never enough. It was comforting Parker when he falls off of his bike one second and wearing a frilly dress and playing tea party with little Emilia the next. It was telling her son 'no, girls are not gross' and 'yes Emilia, I think he's cute too.' It was telling Parker the difference between playing rough and hitting. It was letting their daughter try on mom's lipstick and then later having to explain why she can't just use all of mom's expensive 'powder face stuff.' It was Emily being mom and Paige being momma. It made the years of school and life experiences completely worth it and yet, so completely useless.

It made days like today, the best. Emily and Emilia were inside watching cartoons and making breakfast, while she and Parker attempted to fix his bike, yet again. Apparently a bear came out of nowhere and smashed it, even though it looks suspiciously like the last time Emily ran it over because he left it in the driveway. She oohed and aahed at the appropriate times anyways.

"Hey, momma?" Parker taps Paige on her shoulder.

"Yes?" she asks him, her eyes stilled trained on the jumbled mess that was his tire.

"I think I wanna fix stuff when I grow up."

Paige smiles and turns too look at him. "Really now?"

He grins at her, nodding his head vigorously. "Yeah, but not like you. I want people to give me money for it."

She laughs, putting the wrench on the ground and settling for a long Parker conversation. "I get paid in love."

"But you can't buy toys with love."

Paige tilts her head at him and makes a show of seriously contemplating his observation, a pointed finger on her temple and a loud hmmm. "You're right," she agrees. "You need the green."

His eyebrow stitches together and he shakes his head at her. "No, momma, I don't want to get paid in grass. I said money. I want to have a lot like you and mom."

She laughs again. "I'm sorry, my mistake."

Parker moves to sit next to her, glancing back and forth, obviously trying to mirror Paige's posture as best he could. Once he's situated, legs sprawled out in front of him and his arms behind him, leaning on them for support...just like Paige. He nods to himself and looks at her. "I think I should practice."

"Okay, how can I help?"

"Hmm, how...about...ooh, I know." He grabs the small tool box behind Paige and moves it in between them. He crosses his legs and pulls out the first tool that he sees. "What's this?"

Paige turns, copying him this time. "That is a Screwdriver."

He nods and tosses it carelessly to the side. He pulls out another. "What about this?"

"A Hammer."

"And this?"

"A Tape Measure."

"How about this?"

"That would be a screw."

He smiles widely at her. It's cute. It confuses Paige. "A fuck."

Paige's eyebrows shoot up and she chokes. On what, she's not sure, shock maybe. Because what did he just say?

Parker stands up and grabs her shoulder. "Momma? Are you okay?" He sounds so worried.

Paige nods her head and swallows, trying to catch her breath. "I'm fine," she says, her voice a little hoarse. "I just..." she turns to look at him. "What did you just say?"

"Um, when?" he asks and he looks so genuinely confused, that Paige is sure she heard wrong. Her little boy couldn't have said what she thought she heard.

She points to herself, "I said screw," she pauses and points to him, "and you said..."

"Fuck."

She coughs, willing herself to calm the f-. To calm down. "Why would you-I just...why?"

"Because they're the same."

"No, no. They are definitely not."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Hmm...but Aunt Hanna..."

Aah-ha. Hanna. It's Hanna fault. Always Hanna's fault. She probably locked him in a room and brain-washed his poor innocent mind. Paige knew. She knew she shouldn't leave her precious babies alone with her. And she was right. She loved Hanna, more than she'll ever let on, but Hanna had a certain...way about her, that wasn't at all appropriate for little kids. Ugh.

"What did Aunt Hanna do to you?" She asks, suddenly paranoid. She rakes her hands through his hair and his face, looking for any sign of...mind control shenanigans. "Did she put a weird machine on your head or anything?"

He shakes his head and grabs her hands, abruptly stopping her search. "I heard her say it."

"Oh," she says. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't a little disappointed. Obviously it was still really bad, but it wasn't...mind control. Oh well. "What happened?"

"Aunt Hanna asked Aunt Spencer-"

"Aunt Spencer was involved too?" She should have known.

He squints at her, "I don't know what in...in...invo...that word is."

"She was there?"

He nods, "uh huh. Aunt Hanna asked Aunt Spencer if it was a fuck. Then Aunt Spencer shushed her. And then Aunt Hanna said screw." He stops and he looks a little nervous. "I know you said not to listen when people are talking, but I wanted a cookie and they were in the kitchen and it was unavoidable."

"Unavoidable?" she asks. Involved, he doesn't know. But unavoidable, no problem. Since when?

"Aunt Spencer said words are special. Unavoidable is the second one she taught me."

She was almost scared to ask what the first was. She asks anyway.

"Umm..." he looks up. "It was...uh..." he shrugs, "I'm a kid, how am I supposed to remember every-wait." He stops and places his hands on either side of Paige's shoulder's. "Did I use it correctly?"

"What?"

"Fuck?"

"No-I mean yes and I..." Ugh. She was so not prepared for this. What happened to her beautiful Saturday morning. She sighs, "just don't ever say that word okay?"

He pulls away and smirks. A mischievous, Emily-like smirk. "What word? I forgot. "

Unbelievable. She had such high hopes for Parker. That he would take after her. And finally, she would have a partner and crime, someone she wouldn't be wary of, because god knows her two girls had Paige wrapped around their finger. She was always on guard around them, looking for signs of something amiss. But now this smirk...she couldn't stand a chance. She was ruined for life.

"What word momma?" Parker asks again, eyes innocent.

"You know what word Parker?"

"Screw?"

She shakes her head.

His smirk widens. Ruined. For. Life. "Oh...you mean f-?"

Paige covers his mouth before he can say it again. "Parker," she says, her voice firm. Or as firm as she can get it. Emily used it more than she did. "Do not say that word again, or else..." she finishes, pulling her hand away. She's pretty sure this is the part where she's supposed to give him a stern eye or something, but again, that's more Emily's forte. Paige just frowns.

Parker doesn't miss a beat. "Or else what?" He's not being wise, she can tell, just simply asking a question. Somehow that's worst. "You won't do anything momma," he laughs. Now he was being wise. Forget for life, she was ruined forever, even in the afterlife.

"Yes, I will," she tries harder with the firmness. She's pretty sure she failed just as much as the fist time.

"Aunt Aria said whenever I'm in trouble, mom has to punish me because you like to push people over bridges."

Of course Aunt Aria said. It's always Aunt this or Aunt that. She's going to have to talk to Emily about their constant presence. It seems their kids need a little break from all their Aunts..."wait what, why would she-I don't push people over bridges."

Parker crosses his arms, he doesn't look the least bit convinced. Yes, they really needed to spend just a little less time with them. "Are you sure?"

She puts her right hand up, "I have never pushed someone over-wait, you mean a pushover?"

He puts his arms down, grinning. "Oh yeah, that. You're a pushover."

"But I'm-" What could she say, she was a pushover. It was time to speak to her non pushover wife. "Come on," she says, grabbing one of his hands and pulling him towards the back door.

"Oh no, we're going to talk to mom, aren't we?"

Paige ignores him and opens the door. "Em?" she calls out, before the door is fully open. "Emily?" a little louder. "Emily F-"

"We're in the kitchen Paige," Emily cuts her off.

"Momma, I'm sorry I thought you pushed people over bridges. Can we just-"

"No." Like she was going to let him schmooze his way out of it. She stops. Maybe he was a little like her after all. She schmoozed the pants off of Emily all the time.

"Momma?" Parker stops Paige's mind from wandering to a less than appropriate place.

"Come on," she says, as she continues her walk.

What she sees in the kitchen stops her in her tracks again. Emily is smiling, her hair in a messy bun and a wash cloth in her hand, trying to get Emilia to hold still. The little girl is sitting on the counter, laughing and wiggling in and out Emily's grasp. And there is flour...everywhere. It's all over them, in their hair, on their clothes, it's on the counter, on the floor, there's dried up, hard clumps all over the kitchen sink. It's just everywhere. It was a mess.

Paige looks around and tries to take everything in. She isn't sure if she wants to laugh, at Emily thinking a wash cloth was going to do any good. If she should be annoyed that, at some point, they were going to have to clean up this mess. Or if she should cry. Because this, this is her life. A gorgeous wife, who she loves beyond...just beyond. Two beautiful kids, who make her question how she ever survived without them. And friends, who are around way too often and apparently have a bigger influence on her children than she ever realized. And she is so unbelievably happy in this moment. So overwhelmed by everything. It's more than she could have ever imagined and way, way better.

She feels a wetness on her cheeks and she knows crying. She could care less really.

"Paige?" Emily's voice is concerned and immediately brings Paige back and out of her head.

Paige doesn't say anything, just looks at her and smiles. Waiting for the obvious question.

"Momma!" Emilia shouts, pointing at Paige. Emily grabs her and puts her on the ground. She immediately runs to Paige, who picks her up and hugs her. "Momma, we were going to make pancakes, but mom broke the bag of flour and it got everywhere and so we just threw it at each other instead. We had a flour fight." She leans in close to Paige's ear. "I won," she says loudly, pulling back and smiling.

Paige chuckles, ignoring the ringing in her ears. "I bet you did."

"Hey, I won that last round," Emily says, walking towards them.

"Yeah right mom. You can't even throw right," Parker says, accepting Emily's kiss.

"I have to agree," Paige says.

"What, is it pick on mom day?" Emily looks at Paige for a second, seemingly trying to find something, Paige isn't sure what. "Parker, can you please take your sister in the living room. I have to talk to momma for a second." She's still looking.

"But Emmy has flour all over her."

Emily turns to him and gives him a half smile, "it's okay, we'll clean it up later." She grabs Emilia from Paige and sets her down on the floor. "Just don't sit on the couch, okay Emilia and try not to move around too much."

"Okay mom," Emilia grabs Parker's hand. "Come one P, Sponge Bob is on," she says, not waiting for his reply and pulling him into the living room.

Paige watches them as they walk into the living room and has to laugh when Emilia immediately sits on the couch. She turns back. Emily is staring intently at her. Paige clears her throat, "you know she's on the couch already," she says, not knowing what else to say.

Emily grabs her face, wiping away the tear stains. "What's wrong? Why were you crying?"

Paige pulls her hands away and kisses them, "I'm just really happy."

Emily sighs, looking relieved. "You know," she smiles, "we're going to have to clean this all up."

"Yeah, we're also going to have to talk to Parker about the F word," she says, remembering what brought her into the kitchen in the first place.

"Did he call you fat again? Paige, I told you that was one time and it was that stupid jacket you wore. You're the same size you were in high school."

Paige snorts, "no, I mean the four letter F word, rhymes with duck."

"Rhymes with du-" Emily's eyes go wide. "Oh my god. How did he learn that word?"

"Guess."

Emily gasps, "Hanna?"

Paige nods, "you're going to have to talk to her."

"Why just me?"

"She's _your_ friend."

"Please, she hasn't been just _my_ friend for years."

She groans, "unfortunately."

"You love her," Emily says, pulling Paige close.

"Not when she's teaching my son swear words, accidental or not."

"Did you ask him what happened?"

"Yeah," she looks into the living room. Parker and Emilia are laughing at the tv. "I'll tell you later. Right now," Paige pulls Emily with her as she walks to the pantry, opening it. "I just want to eat cereal and watch cartoons with my family."

"But the pancakes are-"

"Never going to happen," Paige says, motioning to the mess. "Do we even have any flour left?"

Emily shakes her head and sighs. Someone was looking forward to the pancakes. "I'll get the bowls."

* * *

Day 5 of Paily week. My littlest brother learned his first swear word a few weeks ago and he's in that phase where he copies everything, anyone says and that's what gave me this idea. And still, for whatever reason, this was hard as all hell to write. I don't really like it, it feels rushed or something. Idk and I swear I have angsty-ish, Emily pov fics written and ready to be posted...at a later date, but for whatever reason Paige is all that has come out this week. *shrug* Hopefully you enjoyed it...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Pretty Little Liars, I just like to play with their characters.

* * *

**Boogie Monsters**

* * *

Emily wakes with a start. Groggy and disoriented, she reaches over to Paige's side of the bed, suddenly very awake when she finds it empty. She sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, then squints at the clock. It reads _4:30 am. _

She stays sitting in her bed, waiting for her mind to clear and her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She puts a hand through her hair and glances at the master bathroom, the door is wide open and the light is off. _Where is her wife? _

Emily knows she has to get up early tomorrow for work and her bed is really, really warm, but she slowly, begrudgingly untangles herself from the covers and gets out of bed. She puts on her robe and makes her way to the door, quietly opening it and makes her way down the hall.

When she rounds the corner, she finds Paige sitting on the ground outside of Emilia's room, her head leaning against the wall and her ear turned into the crack of the open door.

"Paige," Emily whispers, making her way towards her wife. "What are y-"

Paige puts a finger to her mouth and shushes Emily, who frowns, but let's Paige pull her down next to her.

Emily pulls her knees up, wrapping an arm around one of Paige's legs and looks at her, face crinkled and curious. "What are you doing?" Emily asks, keeping her voice soft.

"Listening," Paige answers just as quietly, peeking into the crack.

Listening herself, Emily can hear the hushed voices of her two children. A million questions run through her mind. _Why were her children up?_ _Why is Parker in Emilia's room? Why did she have to whisper in her own house? _She figures now isn't the time for twenty questions, so she simply asks. "Why?"

"Emilia's scared."

Emily pulls away, instantly alert and fully in mom mode. "What? Then what are you d-"

"Shhh," Paige says, covering Emily's mouth with her hands. "Parker's in there with her."

_Obviously._ Emily rolls her eyes and mumbles her annoyance into Paige's hands.

Paige frowns. "What?"

Emily pulls Paige's hands away. "I said," she pauses, scowling. "And what?"

"And I'm trying to listen."

Emily stops herself from rolling her eyes again, because _really? _"To what?"

Paige shakes her head and spreads her legs, bringing Emily in between them, then cracks the door open a little more. _'Listen,' _she mouths, pointing to the room.

Emily leans more into Paige. From here, not only can she hear better, but she can see clearly into the room without alerting the children inside.

Emily grins at the sight before her. Emilia is sitting on her bed, legs crossed. Her brother is on his knees, hands gripping her shoulders tightly. The nightlight next to her bed does nothing to hide the terrified look on her face.

Emily listens in, catching the tail end of their rather intense conversation.

"...not real, Emmy. Promise."

"But the mo-"

Parker shakes his head emphatically, abruptly stopping her mid-sentence. "It's just a movie. 'member what momma said? Just smoke and mirrors."

Emilia shrugs. "I don't know what that means."

Parker leans his hands on his thighs. "I don't know either. I know monsters aren't real though."

"Bu-"

Parker points a finger at his sister. "No. And you're the one that cried 'til Stace let you watch it."

Emilia crosses her arms. "Hmmph."

"They're. Not. Real." Parker pokes her nose at each word. "I don't lie."

"Yes. You. Do." Emilia says, her voice significantly lower, obviously copying her brother. She pinches his nose.

Parker yelps, pulling her hand away. "I'm not lying now. Kay?"

Emily covers her mouth, trying to hide her giggle when little Emilia draws a big, way too old for her age, sigh. Her breathe stops though when Parker moves to get out of Emilia's bed. She turns to Paige, eyes wide. "We're going to get caught," she whispers. She has no idea why, but she feels like she's intruding and she'd rather neither of her kids see them.

Paige shakes her head and grins, pointing into the room.

Parker is standing facing Emilia with his hands on his hips. He huffs. "What now Emilia?"

"Can you look again? Please?"

He throws his hands up."Fine," he says, before kneeling down next to Emilia's bed and sticking his head underneath. "Hey!"

Emilia jumps up, taking the comforter with her and throwing it over her body. "Is it a monster?" She peeks her eyes out from under the comforter. "Is it green? I don't like green. Aunt Hanna doesn't like green either."

"Too much time with your friends, wife," Paige whispers into Emily's ear.

Emily puts a finger against Paige's lip and pushes her away, eyes watching Parker as he pulls his baseball glove out from under the bed.

"You took my glove."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot." A giggle. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Parker says, standing. He throws the glove to the side and moves to pull the comforter down. "And there are no monsters. Now lie down."

Emilia falls back onto the bed and stretches her arms out to the side.

Parker throws the comforter back on her, moving it around until he is satisfied. " Can I go back to sleep now?"

"No."

"What? Why?"

"Can you stay with me?" Emilia opens her little arms wide. "Pretty please?"

Parker sighs, before folding the comforter back. "Move. If you kick me, I'm leaving."

"I won't."

Emily smiles and watches as Parker gets comfortable in the bed, throwing an arm around his little sister.

"Park?" Emilia sits up.

Parker doesn't move. "Go to sleep."

"You're the best big brother I ever had."

Emily bites her nail, trying not to cry as Paige rubs her arms.

Parker aimlessly throws an arm out, his hand falling on Emilia's shoulder. "You're the best little sister I ever had."

At this point, the tears are falling from Emily's eyes on their own accord, effectively blurring her vision. She quickly wipes them away, not wanting to miss what's going on in the room.

"Good," Emilia says, lying back down.

"Mm-hmm."

Emilia sits up again. "P?"

"Emilia..." Parker throws his hands up and then back down.

"Can we try the dog plan tomorrow?"

Parker rubs his face. "Yeah, we'll try mom first."

"Okay," Emilia says excitedly, lying back down. "Night."

"Night."

* * *

"I can't believe she let them watch a spooky movie," Emily says, as she makes her way back to their bedroom, Paige in tow.

"It's not a big deal, Em. We don't even know what movie it was." Paige opens the bedroom door and leans against the wall, waiting for Emily to go in first. "For all we know, they could have watched Casper."

Emily walks through the doorway, pulling Paige with her. "She said monsters. Not ghosts."

"She's a kid. She probably thinks they're the same thing."

"She sounded really scared," Emily says, pulling the covers back and sliding into bed.

"She'll really get over it."

"I still think Stacy should have used better judgment."

"You heard Parker, Emilia begged," Paige says, as she slides in after Emily, snuggling into her.

Emily pulls the covers over them both, wrapping her arms around Paige and tucking her head under Paige's chin. "Like you said, Emilia is just a kid."

Paige laughs. "Yeah, she's _your _kid_._"

"What does that mean?" Emily questions, too tired to move and properly pout at her wife, opting to pinch her side instead.

"Ow!" Pays rubs at her side. "I just mean, she's got the Fields'..."

"Watch how you finish that sentence," Emily warns, poking her side.

"...charm," Paige finishes, kissing Emily's head.

Emily frowns and pulls her face away to look at Paige. "Maybe we should look for another babysitter."

"The kids would never speak to us again. Not to mention, we'd have to find someone else who passed the Spencer Hastings inspection. You remember how close Stacy was to failing?"

Emily nods. "You're right."

"I am." Paige says, voice soft and tired.

"Maybe I should check on them."

Paige's arms tighten around Emily. "Maybe you should stay in bed with your wife and go back to sleep. You've got work tomorrow."

"But-"

"Shut-up. They're fine."

Emily huffs. "If there really is a monster under her bed, you're going to be sorry."

Paige chuckles. "I'll take my chances," she kisses Emily's ear. "Besides, didn't you hear? Emilia's got the best big brother ever."

Emily beams. "Paige?"

"Hmm?"

"We've got two amazing kids."

"Your wel-"

Emily pinches her side again.

"Ow! What is with the pinching?"

Emily ignores her, pulling Paige tighter to her. "Goodnight," she says, closing her eyes.

"God, I'm pretty sure that's going to leave a bruise."

"Your welcome."

* * *

.

Alright, now that you've read it, I can tell you how much I dislike it. It just feels clunky, particularly the whole Emilia/Parker stuff, but like the last Paily week, I'm using this to hopefully spark the writing bug and I can finish some half written stuff I've got lying around. Despite the clunky-ness, I do hope you enjoyed it. If you haven't read the other fics people put out, you should, they're really good. Thanks, beforehand, for the reviews/favorites and just reading it. It means a lot that people take the time to read anything I put out. And I'm putting this as another chapter to Shit My Kid Says and just use this as a place for me to post anything involving Paily/Parker/Emilia because while I don't have a set time or the kids exact ages, it is based in the same universe. So if you have any ideas involving these four, please send them my way.


End file.
